My little request

Please stay away from me, if your presence can never last forever... Please leave me alone, if what you want is just anything physical from me.... Please do not disturb the peace and protective layer that I'm building up between us, if you are going to make me going through the same difficult process of recovery again.... Please, would you please??

Pre-Wedding fever

I know, it's not my wedding!!! That was why it was ok for me to be SICK at this moment. It was a pure torture this morning when I had to wake up at 8am to make myself ready for the meeting at 9am. Especially when I enjoyed so much sleeping at my usual spot at the left of the bed. That makes me wonder whether it was just the place or the person which I am actually more keen on. I guess perhaps it was just the place after all. I always love to have my own space, I mean real spacious place with privacy, not like this less than 10sqm room... Maybe that was why I always love to come and visit. Just being there slowly make myself believe that the space is actually mine!!! Anyways I'm glad that nothing that I didn't like happened again last night. Mom, told you that you need to have confidence and faith in me!!! I kept my promise to you and also I proved that I am able to overcome the inner desire that I have.. A big STAR for that, eaayy?

Horrible things happened when I came back after the meeting. Boy, I sneezed for the 101 times already!!! Till the abdomen muscles hurt!!! And I think I can easily finish the whole box of tissue if this keeps going. One thing makes me wonder.... How strange the same output didn't result in the same input... This pretty much shows me how much I weigh at both ends. How long more do I have to wait to see the truth revealing itself? Anyways, it was great to be distracted by the sweet things you did for me. That chicken porridge with century eggs was awesome. Especially it was delivered all the way by you. Plus the super effective nasal spray, and the new cold/flu tablets.. Oh God, how I hope tonight I can sleep better. And how I wish all the sickness would be gone by this Sat so that I can enjoy myself with the gals at the Hen's!

How I think my story is very much similar to what she encountered... She chose to stay around, which I believe will bring more possible misery to her own life. I am fully awake now to know that I have the choice to leave.. (and possibly land there when my heart is safe)... or find elsewhere to land it... or keep it to myself, nurture it and protect it from any further harm from him.. but for now, I just have to slowly get back my heart, and bring it back to where it should belong... I'm really glad that the physical effect on me is slowly diminishing.... let it be totally gone.... and then I will come back!!!

Boredom + Sickness

How ironic why I didn't want to watch those new movies that are piling up at the corner of my study desk when I'm so free waiting for more correction from my supervisors....

How weird why I still called last night, when I'm not supposed to do it anymore...

How excited I am when my dear friend wrote to confirm her wedding date...

How annoying it is, to breathe 24/7 with mouth instead of nose...

How ticklish can the throat be, when it becomes really dry...

How I miss talking to mom in a comfortable place....

How I wish I can go out and enjoy the sun.....

How confused I am with myself...

Say a little Prayer

Father Lord,

I pray that you give me recovery now to my sickness, but if this flu makes me see things clearer than before, then I thank you for that.

I pray that you make me persevere, courageous and firm in what I’m doing now, to believe that you are there guiding me in every step, and to be confident that I can overcome all obstacles with the help from you.

I pray that you bless my family, especially my mom. I really miss her and want to talk to her but I know you are watching over her and will keep her safe.

I pray for wisdom in relationship. I feel so helpless and disappointed when people do not meet my expectation, so I ask for patience and a loving heart to deal with differences, but at the same time remain bold and honest to myself and others.

Amen!

When you sick, and you know it

It has been few days already now. I don’t want to use my mouth to breathe all the time, but do I have any better choice? The cough gets worse, as breathing through my mouth makes my throat really dry. It felt like cracking the other day when I woke up. And this morning I found some blood in my sputum already. Gosh… this could be one of the worst flu in these few years.

I notice you cared for me more these days; you even smsed me few times during the day. And did I tell you it was so warm to wake up to the fragrance of the dinner you prepared for me? (or was it just my imagination, since my nose is blocked =P) Although the dishes weren’t that exciting, but still the effort you put in was more meaningful than anything else.

And I’m proud I can turn down his tempting offers. But it puzzles me why he still bother to write and ask me about my condition, and later send me a sms to ask further when he didn’t do that at all the time when I wished he did. Men are funny creatures, aint they? He said I’m hard to understand, but I think it was even harder for me to understand him. Those offers will only make me miss the past, and bring back lotsa unnecessary memories. Or was it just a test from him to see if I can completely leave him? Could it be a real but delayed care?

Under Renovation

It fascinates me every time when I think of how different we are. Even when it comes to the way we handle things and issues in everyday life. Sometimes it frustrates me why you are so slow in thinking of a solution for a simple task when I can easily plan out the way to solve it. Sometimes, I think it’s good for me, coz that makes me look smarter =) But that doesn’t mean that every time I have the best approach. There are also times when your patience turns out to be the best way out in situations that I lost control of. Little things like this always snake their way into my days to remind me how you are different from others. You are not out-standing in any particular ways. You are not exactly someone that I would want to date when I was a little girl. You are not as strong and powerful as my hero Batman; you are never a romantic guy, far different from the prince who kisses Sleeping Beauty from her long sleep; you don’t seem to have the similar sense of fashion or art like what I have. Man…what can I say… Still I can just tell you anything, yes basically anything. There is never really a complete silence during our conversation. Hardly any aaeeyy? Remember the conversation that night when you sent me back; that was simply amusing =P

Me: (In semi-shouting tone) Those two supervisors, they are really terrible. No sense of responsibility at all!! How long more do I have to wait for the correction?

You: Haha…………

Me: (Ignoring the fact that you haven’t give any response) I’m so full of dissatisfaction, I can kill them!!!! So so frustrating, you know.

You: Yes, I know (Actually do you really know?)………

Me: I don’t care, they really make me angry……

You: (In a very gentle way) Do you know you are so amusing? The expression when you are angry? Hahaha… so adorable…

Me: WHAT? I’m not making any joke, I’m really angry… Hahahaha…(I ended up laughing too, as I know I had just over-reacted)

That’s the difference between us. You just see problems in a different way. And you make me relax too especially when I encounter things that are really out of my control.

But now there is no place for you in my heart. It is now under major “renovation.” I don’t know if I can end up making a space for you, but I’m trying my best now.